Dec 19, 2009

And Then There Were Four

He tucks his head into the crook between my shoulder and I take a deep, long, slow breath of his perfect little boy smell. All milk and clean sweet sweat and strawberry fruit roll ups. His small delicately boned arms wrap themselves around my neck and he squeezes me with all of his tiny might. The giant is hugging me. This ritual plays itself out 5 or 6 times a day lately and each and every time, it both surprises and delights me to no end.

I am trying to find time to write down these small shared moments because in a few short weeks his sister will be arriving and it will no longer just be he and I, arms wrapped around each other giggling ourselves deliriously. This transition is such a double edged sword for us. On the one hand we are expanding our family with the addition of his sibling which we are over the moon about and waiting to meet her is proving slightly nerve wracking in a wonderful first date jitters kinda way. Providing Joaquin with both a playmate and a very necessary alli against his father and I, it seemed only fair to him that we try and have another child to balance out the family scales. But then there is the other side to all this glorious anticipation and growth. The guilty side. The worried side. The reality that it will no longer be just the three of us and more to the point, just him with us has made me sad in a way that I did not anticipate nor did I expect.

I have spent the last year and a half being a mother to one baby. We have gotten to know each other in this passing of days. How we both need to eat when we're hungry or we get really cranky. How he likes a certain pillow to nap on and how he knows not to crush me senseless when we curl up together. I know he likes his broccoli barely steamed and his rice doused in soy sauce, just like his dad and I do. We laugh easily and play hard. We have hashed out this delicate and unspoken set of rules and ways of being with each other that is so organic. It has been a genuine pleasure having the time to get to know my son. And now that is all about to change in the most drastic way possible.

Parenting has become easier as Joaquin has gotten older and at this point in the game, I often ask Rufus what the hell we were thinking having another baby. We underestimated the potency of a few glasses of Jameson and couple of hours alone and here we are. We have had it so good between routine and bed and family help that we have miraculously created something couples with children often complain about. Time. And this coveted and hard won time allows us to do things we didn't think we ever would again. All those sleepless and dizzy nights of pacing a teething fevered baby on an already empty tank had us convinced that people were lying to us about it getting easier simply so we didn't off ourselves. We can do things now like have dinner and watch movies. And being able to have conversations about real life things other than whether or not the boy pooped enough today has done wonders for our marriage. We can read and laze, spoon and the holy grail of time for couples, actually have sex. It's amazing. And we deliberately screwed it up by getting me knocked up.

So we ride the changes the best we can and placate ourselves with thoughts of how a year from now, insanity and sleepless nights aside, there will be two curly raven haired moon eyed children keeping each other company, arms wrapped around each other's necks instead of ours, conspiring our beautiful demise.

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